It's you that I hate
by Siriusly345
Summary: Lily has always had her best friend by her side. James has always had hope. One night, they lose it all. ONE-SHOT


I stumble down the hallway with tears clouding my eyes, each footstep taking me farther away from the person that's always been there for me. His words echo through my head at a steady beat, a taunting melody that will never cease. _You don't know anything! Why did you do that? I don't need help! I don't need __**you**__! _

I hear him yelling after me as I round the corner but I don't stop walking. Instead, I start running, running away from everything. From Petunia, the pressure of being perfect, Potter, every complicated feeling and especially from the feeling that I'm losing the one person I have always been able to depend on.

He was always there when Petunia had said something to me or when I was seconds away from murdering Potter in cold blood. And I was there when he wanted to do the same thing except now I won't do be there to help him anymore. He's made himself clear.

I see him walking around, laughing, with the pet Death Eaters. And I don't know what to do to help him. I know that he doesn't want to be like them. I know that although he likes the Dark Arts, he has good intentions with them. He doesn't want power or revenge on his enemies. Although, I haven't really talked to him about everything that has been going on for the last couple months. I'm not sure what his true intentions are anymore. It seems like he's turning into his dark friends.

_You are who your friends are. _

He'll do anything to fit in. He's always been a little oddball and as with anyone who is picked on, he'd do anything to change that. And I've told him over and over again that he shouldn't pay any attention to what they think.

"Severus, I'm a perfectly intelligent person and I'm best friends with you. Now, would you rather listen to Lily Evans' reason or James Potter's?" I had said to him one evening when Potter and his cronies had changed him into a female for the day and he was particularly depressed and humiliated. He had only smiled slightly and kept silent. But I knew that I had gotten through to him.

But now I'm not so sure. He isn't around anymore. And when he is, the only thing he can talk about is what hilarious thing_ Mulciber_ or _Avery_ did. Those horrid, pieces of evil have somehow managed to become people that Severus looks up to. No, people that _Snape_ looks up to.

We are now on a last name basis. After what he called me today, I will never give him the satisfaction that I care even a little about him.

Today, he finally decided his side. And it just so happens that we belong on opposite sides...as enemies. This is the end.

I slowly stop running and I can't breathe from a combination of the running and the sobbing. All of my energy disappears as I crumble down the wall and try to regain my breath as I gasp.

It feels like my whole world is crumbling around me. The only thing that I have known to be true is gone. In a sentence, everything that we had doesn't matter anymore.

This morning I woke up and I was best friends with Snape and by the time I go to sleep tonight, we will be enemies. This war has done more than take away the lives and innocence of many. Its forced people to choose a side and leave behind those they love that chose the other side; the side that I will probably die trying to defeat.

Suddenly, I hear someone whisper my name but I don't look up or acknowledge it. The only thing I can focus on is the fact that soon my friendship with Snape will be a distant memory. I hope it happens soon.

I don't know how much time passes before I feel someone put their arms around my shaking shoulders and pull me to their chest. I slowly stop hiccupping and sobbing and only a few tears silently tread down my cheek.

I keep my eyes closed for fear of who it could be. I just hope it isn't Severus. I don't think I could deal with seeing him right now. But a couple seconds later, I realise that it couldn't be Snape because the chest that I am leaning on isn't scrawny in the least.

And with that realisation I know who it is. And as I tentatively open my eyes, I find to my horror that I was right.

When I look up, I see that Potter is looking down at me with the softest expression I have ever seen on his arrogant face. It looks like he's staring at a pile of puppies.

I expect myself to roughly shove him away and start insulting him but all the energy that I usually have is gone. I literally cannot make myself move away from his comforting embrace.

Oh god, I can't believe I just thought that.

"Oh Merlin, Lily, I am so sorry. This is my fault. This is entirely my fault. Please forgive me. I don't think I can stand knowing that I'm the reason you're crying so hard. Please, please forgive me." He says with the most pitiful expression I have ever seen.

After I get over my shock that James Potter has somehow managed to admit that he's in the wrong, I start laughing uproariously. My life has literally turned upside down. Nothing is the same anymore.

Potter looks at me with the most confused expression I have ever seen on him. He hasn't looked this confused since his first day in Arithmancy.

"Lily, what's wrong?" He asks in an embarrassed tone.

"Everything is wrong. Today, I woke up without my pair of lucky socks. Then, I totally flunked my DADA O. . Then, I had to save my best friend from a bullying toerag which ultimately led into the end of our five year friendship. Then, to make it all the more interesting, I start having weird thoughts about the aforementioned bullying toerag." I say fiercely as I climb out of his arms and scoot over three meters.

"I know. I am a bullying toerag. And I am so sorry for everything that I have ever done to you and to...others." He looks up from his lap and gives me a look that tells me that he'll kill himself if I don't forgive him.

But I can't think rationally at the moment so I just scoff deliriously.

"So you expect me to just forgive you for ruining everything? For ruining a five year friendship just because you and your boredom couldn't stand sitting for more than five seconds?" I say coldly, looking at him straight in the eyes.

Now he just looks mad. "Excuse me but I think it's about time that you realised what a loser he is. You are worth a million of that lowlife and I'm glad that you finally realised it. And I'm quite chuffed, to be honest, that me and my boredom was the catalyst."

I start to shake with fury as his face fills with that self-satisfied expression again. I can't believe that I thought for a second that he was even a half decent person!

"My boredom and I!" I correct him with a snarl before I get off the floor and start fast walking back to the common room.

I hear a tiny groan before Potter runs up to me in a matter of seconds and grabs my arm.

"Come on, Evans. You know I'm right. You just hate the truth." He says as he spins me back toward him. I can't even look at him right now, I am so pissed off.

But with his words, I swivel my head around and spit out. "No, I hate you. It's you that I hate, through and through. You're the reason that everything in my life right now is falling apart. If you hadn't have bothered me yesterday when I was trying to look over what I missed on the owls then everything would be fine. If you and your boredom hadn't have decided that you needed a little more fun, then I wouldn't have lost the only person that has always been there for me."

Potter's arm dully falls down as he stares at me with absolute hurt. "You don't mean that." He whispers. After I turn away from him, he gains courage.

"No, you don't mean that. You're just in distress right now. You can't possibly hate me. You hate my attitude and the way that I always manage to say the wrong thing but you don't hate _me_." He tries to convince himself as he caught up to me.

I stop half running and look back at him. And suddenly, I feel sad for him. I slowly shake my head.

"No, it's just you." I say before I turn my back the last time. This time, Potter doesn't run after me.

20 minutes earlier:

"Come on, Prongs. Brighten up! It's like trying to talk to a dead person, you're so down. Come on, you want me to get Brittany? Get this Evans loser out of your head?" Sirius says with an ostentatious lift of his eyebrows. I smile slightly but shake my head.

"No. I'm good. I'm going to go to the kitchens. Some brownies will distract me, if only for a minute." I say with a sad smile and walk out of the common room.

I haven't been able to get the lake incident out of my head since it happened. I just cannot believe that that lowlife Snivellus would say such a horrible thing to Lily Evans of all people! And how could Evans say that I am lower than the lowest piece of scum on earth?

Although, in retrospect, I know that I am in the wrong. I can't just go torment someone just because I'm bored. It doesn't even matter that Snivellus deserves everything that's coming to him.

I was wrong. And I have never felt guiltier in my life. I saw the look on Lily's face while she told me that she was surprised that my broom could get off the ground. It was filled with fury and hurt. And to know that I was involved in why she was hurt...I don't think I can live with myself until I get her forgiveness.

And with that, I march back the way I came and storm into our dorm. Remus looks up from his book and looks like he's going to ask what was wrong with me but refrains when I give him a silencing look.

I grab the map, whisper the password, and march out of the dorms without further comment.

My eyes scan over the Marauder's map trying to find Lily's name as I walk aimlessly. At first, I don't see her anywhere obvious. But soon my eyes find her in a second floor corridor with...Snape. Great, she's forgiving him now, I think sarcastically.

But surely, she wouldn't forgive him for calling her a...you-know-what. It's unforgivable. Absolutely unforgivable.

I stop walking. I shouldn't do this. I'm going to mess it up somehow. I'm going to say the wrong thing just like I always do around Lily. I've always believed I only act like an arse when other people are around us but maybe I'll be just as much of an arse when we're alone. I've never quite had the opportunity to test it out.

And now I do have an opportunity...and I'm going to take it, I think resolutely as I remember the look on Lily's face when Snivellus called her a...you-know-what.

A couple minutes later, I hear shouting.

"You don't know anything! Why did you do that? I don't need your help! I don't need _you_!" I heard Snape shout before I turn the corner. I slowly back away and hide in the shadows. Carefully, I look around the stone.

And there they are. Snivellus is standing there, the most pitiful expression on his face. And next to him is Lily, staring at him like she doesn't even know who is anymore.

Tears are rolling down her cheeks as she slowly shakes her head and turns her back on him. Snape extends his arm to stop her but drops his arm after a couple seconds of watching Evans resolutely walk away from him.

I suppose I probably shouldn't have done what I did next. But I was too pissed off at him for making Evans cry.

I slowly start to clap as I walk out of my hiding spot after waiting for Evans to turn the corner. Snape turns around and looks at me as if he could have killed me right then and there. Let him try, I say.

"Well, well, well, Snivellus. Your time has finally run out. Evans has finally realised what an arse you are. It's about time really." I say with a self satisfied smirk.

"At least it took her five years to find out about me. You? She realised that in a matter of seconds." He snarled as he covertly reached for his wand. But not covertly enough for me not to notice.

"I can always try to convince her otherwise. I am quite a fine specimen. But you? You don't stand a chance and I think we both know that." I watch as Snape's snarl slowly disappears and he looks like he's about to start crying all over again. My resolution starts to crumble as I watch the utter devastation on his face. Even I can't bully someone when they look so defeated. It would be like kicking a dying puppy.

Snape looks up at me with his pitch black eyes and remembers that I'm here. And suddenly, all the grief is gone from his face and fury invades it.

"Lily would rather die than admit that you're a 'fine specimen.'" He says with disgust and practically spits the words.

"Well, we'll see about that." I say in a self assured manner. But in the inside, I am an insecure little boy as I walk away from Snape and in the direction that Lily went.

I know that Snape could be right. Lily is as stubborn as a mule and it might take me several years before she dares to even think that I'm not as awful as she thinks I am.

Add to that the fact that I can never manage to say the right thing. My mouth is like a broken faucet around Lily, the words flow out when they shouldn't and the words stop when they should be coming out.

This is my chance. This is my chance to show her that I really can be a considerate and sweet person. And I am...at times. It just seems like Lily's always around when I'm anything but that.

I am giving myself a pep talk when I hear gasping. My wand light illuminates Lily's distressed face and I whisper her name in shock.

I've never seen perfect Lily Evans completely defeated. It always seemed like she wasn't capable of being upset. The only thing she's ever been near me is angry, never sad or hurt. Just angry.

And I hope I never see her like this again either. I would do anything to never see her so defeated. And suddenly, I don't see her as a challenge or the infallible Lily Evans.

I see her as a human being. A human being that has bad days like the rest of us. A human being that needs comfort and cries. And most of all, I see her as someone that isn't perfect.

For these past five years, I've always believed Lily Evans to be perfect; the answer to my prayers. Someone who is perfect in all categories: in school, in life, and especially on the outside.

But at that moment, my delusions about her disappear. And I can't help but feel like at least one good thing has come from this whole ordeal.

And as that epiphany fades away, I stare down at Lily, who hadn't moved at all since I arrived. A few seconds later, I sit down next to her and unconsciously wrap my arms around her body. I am shocked by how much her body is shaking. Her shoulders are bucking up and down and her entire upper body is vibrating fiercely.

Feeling like I'm going to start crying myself, I perch my chin on her head and rock her back and forth. She fits perfectly in my arms and in any other circumstance; my face would break because of my smiling. But it seems like the only way I am allowed to have my arms around her is when she is crying so much she doesn't realise who is comforting her, I think as a nearly forgotten memory resurfaces.

After a while, Lily calms down enough to realise that she is pressed against someone's chest. I see her close her eyes tightly before opening them and looking at me like I am the last person she wanted to see when she opened her eyes. Usually, her eyes widen for a second before they narrow to slits and she reaches up to slap me as hard as she can.

But this time, I can't help but be relieved when she doesn't do anything but stare at me silently. She is just too exhausted to berate me into oblivion thankfully. And instead of being relieved that Lily isn't going to insult me emotionally beyond repair, I feel even worse that Snape, that lowlife, is the one that has left her so devoid of energy.

Looking down at Lily, I struck by just how tiny she is. Lily is , after all, 5'3. But I have never noticed her overall petiteness because of the fury that emanates from her nearly every time I'm around her.

She just looks so helpless now. But she won't for long. Not if I can help it.

I ramble something incoherent about how sorry I am that I caused her despair and ask her to forgive me. And instead of forgiving me like I thought she would in her exhausted state, she starts deliriously laughing. I can't but feel insecure as it clearly sounds like she is laughing at me.

I ask her if I said something wrong but she just scoffs and rambles off about why her day has been so horrible. She calls me a bullying toe-rag and I feel so horrible that I don't even realise that she said that she started thinking "weird thoughts" about me.

I feel my eyes tear up as I agree with her and beg for her forgiveness again. If Lily doesn't forgive me for this, I will never have another chance with her. I don't know what I will do if she isn't there to knock me down and keep me on this planet. Without her, my life will be...empty. Without any fire or passion. There might be a one-sided love in our relationship but at least I can say there is passion from both sides. And I've always hoped that one day that passion could turn into love.

I feel the argument spiralling out of my control. Once again, I let my thoughts out without careful censorship. And I know that this time I've done more damage to Lily's view of me than I can repair.

Quickly, I try to redeem myself and beg for her forgiveness again but she won't have any of it. I should have known she wouldn't.

Time slows to a stop and I hold my breath. No...it can't be true...I try to convince her that what she's feeling towards me isn't hate. She can't hate me.

_The opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference. _

"No, it's just you."

The hope that I've held onto for most of our twisted relationship disappears.

And the worst part is, when Lily climbed out of my arms, I knew then that she won't be in them for a long time.


End file.
